Clover vs Orchid
by mangaluva
Summary: What happens when the greatest trickster in the world comes up against a force more powerful than himself...? (Expect no more than you would of a silly oneshot sparked by a conversation on tumblr)


"Your assistance is always appreciated, Mouri-san," Kaito murmured, glancing from his compact mirror to the detective who was making an effort to snore noisily through his gag as he slept on the floor of the cupboard full of jumpsuits for maintenance workers, of which there was now one more of than there had been when Kaito had entered the building several hours previously. With all his preparations complete, however, it was time to take the floor, and Mouri Kogoro had been the first unlucky sap to get lost on the way to the bathroom (somebody _always_ got lost on the way to the bathroom, especially on this maze of a cruise ship).

Kaito tweaked the set of his moustache slightly and reached up to adjust his hairline—was Mouri beginning to bald? No bald spot on the back, at least, but the hairline was definitely receding—and smirked smugly at his mirror. "It is I—mmm," he murmured, clearing his throat. "It is— **It is I—** IT IS I, THE GREAT MOURI KOGORO!" Satisfied that he'd achieved Mouri's voice, Kaito snapped his compact closed, stood up, adjusted his tie and the set of his shoulders, and strolled back out into the dining hall where "his" daughter and ward were sitting with the younger Suzuki daughter—a fan of the Kaitou Kid, such a nice girl—near the head of the table, where Suzuki Tomoko was once again wearing the night's spoils, this time a necklace containing a truly stunning ruby. He couldn't have picked a better seat if he'd _tried._

"Otou-san! What took you so long?" Mouri Ran complained as he sat down again.

Edogawa Conan shot Kaito a suspicious look, but immediately lost interest when Kaito rubbed a spot on his cheek that he'd carefully reddened earlier, surreptitiously taking off the red in the process. "That damn Nakamori's holding up everybody who comes in and out of the room," he grouched. He glanced up the table. "Where's the food? We were promised dinner before Kid got here!"

"There was some kind of kitchen incident," Suzuki Sonoko complained. "I wish they'd hurry up! Kid-sama promised to come during dessert!" She turned to her parents and began a spirited debate on the merits of skipping dinner and going straight to dessert.

"Kid always turns up when he's promised to," Ran said with a shrug, digging in her purse. "Hmmm… I thought I had some mints, at least, but I guess not. I'm sorry, Conan-kun."

"It's okay!" Conan piped up brightly, turning full-force doe-eyes on his 'neechan'. "I'm not hungry yet, anyway. I just wonder if this is going to mess up Kid's schedule!"

"Maybe this _is_ part of that thief's schedule," Kaito grumbled, knowing full well it wasn't. He hoped the delay wouldn't be more than half an hour, or the Kaitou Kid would have to turn up earlier than he'd announced, and that was just _rude._

Besides, he was looking _forward_ to the chocolate cake trick.

"I dunno… setting a stove on fire and burning a cook doesn't sound like Kid's style," Conan mused.

Kaito winced. _Damn right it's not… Better make sure the kitchen staff get something nice. I probably owe them something for what I've done to their cakes, anyway…_

"Oh!" Ran said, pulling a pack of cards out of her bag with a smile. "Do you want to play while we wait? Conan-kun? Otou-san? Sonoko?"

"That sounds like fun, Ran-neechan!" Conan said with a big grin.

 _I hope I wasn't that sickeningly cutesy around pretty girls when I was his age,_ Kaito thought, internally making a face. "What, we can't even get drinks?" he grumbled, externally making a face.

"Otou-san! You can't drink tonight! You've got to catch Kid!" Ran complained, digging through the pack and pulling out a queen. "Sonoko? Do you want to play Old Maid with us?"

"Sure, I _guess,_ if we're just _waiting_ ," Sonoko said, throwing a last huffy look at her implacable mother before taking the cards that Ran dealt for her. "Go on, Ran, you go first!"

 _Just Old Maid, huh?_ Kaito thought, looking at his cards and laying down the first two pairs that he had, two twos and two nines. _Well, it's not exactly a game of skill, so I suppose I—_

"Ooooh! Ran-neechan, you've got three pairs _already_?" Conan gasped as the girl set down a pair of sixes, a pair of eights and a pair of Queens.

"Lucky start," Ran said with a smile, fanning out her seven remaining cards and turning to Kaito, drawing his four, pairing it with one of her own and setting down her fourth pair with a victorious grin.

"Hmph," Kaito grumbled, turning to Conan and drawing one of the little boy's cards. _A four… great, the card I just lost._ He mentally shook himself. _You're not at a high-stakes Poker game, Kid… this is just a bit of time-killing fun._

{}

Six games later, Mouri Ran had won _every single one,_ and it was starting to drive Kaito nuts.

He was _cheating._ At _Old Maid._ He and Ran had taken turns shuffling (because Sonoko didn't want to and Conan's hands were too tiny to shuffle effectively— _too bad he can't_ kick _the cards into order,_ Kaito had thought sourly) and he'd used every cheat shuffle he knew to give himself good hands. He'd figured out half a dozen ways to sneak a peek at the girl's hand, and influenced, shuffled and straight out palmed cards to get her to choose useless ones, _and she still won every time._ It had to be statistically impossible.

She didn't even have a Poker Face! She had the same crestfallen look every time the Old Maid got into her hand and yet, by some magic, either he or Sonoko (depending on which way around the table they were drawing this time) managed to take it off her hands _every_ time before the end of the game!

Kaito spent an entire game with the Old Maid in his hand because no matter what he did _she never took it_!

"Wow, Ran! You're on _fire_ today!" Sonoko exclaimed as Ran put down her last pair of the seventh game with a proud grin.

"That's Ran-neechan for you! She's always so lucky!" Conan crowed, taking a card from Kaito and putting down _his_ last pair, leaving his hand with one card that Sonoko would have to take from him.

 _This is just Old Maid, it's not high-stakes poker, it doesn't_ matter _…_ Kaito chanted to himself inside his head, but goddammit he was _not_ a good loser and _how is she doing this_?!

He dropped his cards with an exasperated groan that was not entirely acted as the food finally arrived, casually checking his watch and mentally smacking himself. _I'm forty-five minutes behind schedule! How did I get so suckered into Old Maid?!_

{}

Two hours and a great deal of chaos, the Kaitou Kid held a priceless ruby necklace up to the moonlight, turning it back and forth to make absolutely sure that there was _no_ chance it was a doublet. _Another dud,_ he thought with a sigh, turning and expertly skimming the necklace across the deck of the helipad, forcing the tiny detective who'd just made it up the stairs to dive and grab it rather than send a superpowered football or sleeping dart Kid's way.

"Let me guess," Conan said, holding up the necklace with a raised eyebrow. "Not the gem you're seeking?"

"How perceptive, Tantei-kun," Kid purred. He held up a hand as the child stood up, moving into a fighting stance. "Before we play, Tantei-kun, there is something I _must_ ask you."

"…What?" Conan asked suspiciously, watching Kid's hands closely.

To keep the boy's mind at ease, Kid took his hands out of his pockets (not that he didn't have plenty of tricks and toys up his sleeves too, but the gesture was always calming), holding them out and plaintively asking, "how did she _do_ that? Does she cheat at card games too?"

Conan raised an eyebrow. "Cheat…? Wait, you were cheating at _Old Maid_?" he said incredulously.

"Relentlessly," Kid said without shame. "And she still won! Every time!"

Conan burst out laughing. "Are you _whining_ , Kid-san?" he cackled, clutching his gut as he bent double with laughter. "If I knew Ran's crazy luck would freak you out _this_ badly, I'd have gotten you two into a poker game a long time ago!"

"Tantei-kun, as somebody who _lives_ on risk and luck, there is no _possible_ way that one human is that lucky," Kid sa—okay, _whined._

"Luckier than you, anyway," Conan said with a victorious smirk as he straightened up and oh _shit¸_ that little _brat_ had inflated one of his footballs while he was bent double and already had one foot pulled back—

Kid still made it to his escape boat (of course he did, the Kaitou Kid _always_ escapes), but the number of fish between the cruise ship and speedboat _had_ to by symptomatic of the way that Mouri Ran apparently warped the luck of everyone around her.

{}

{}

 _This was basically a gift fic to Kinzies911 on tumblr, after a discussion on my blog about what would happen if Kaito's incredible cheating skills ever came up against Ran's incredible luck XD_


End file.
